Called suddenly to our Mam’s hospital bedside one Saturday night, we all feared the worst. As we arrived on the hospital ward our worst fears were confirmed. Our dear and most Beautiful Mam would not be staying with us too much longer. She was in some distress and the Doctor was trying to find out what she wished for. All she could say was “no more.” Over and over “no more”. So he administered something to ease all suffering away, then allowing us all be together with her, confirming that her time was short.
We were all together our Dad and all my brothers, my sister was also there, in so many other ways. Her pain eased and she went into a gentle sleep. We touched her arms, we held her hand, we kissed her, we told her we loved her, so so very much. We thanked her for everything she had been and was to us. Dad spoke special private whispered words…for 45 minutes we sat with her, changing places to be near her one by one… assuring her, we were all okay and she could relax, sleep, worry no more. This was indeed Her Own “Special Time.” ….and then suddenly she slipped so very, gently and silently away into the night….somewhat breaking our hearts in the process; but we all were in no doubt it was her time. No more pain, no more suffering. This was entirely her own journey and how could we be so selfish to deny her this, this was indeed her own beautiful passing.
As nurses confirmed what we already knew, they brought us a tray of coffee’s and tea’s in. Mam seemed to be very with us, as she lay in front of us in her deep everlasting sleep. I could feel her watching us, feeling for us; but watching from above. We drank coffees and talked to her. Eventually we took breaks for fresh air and so forth, we consoled each other best we could. I could hear in my head and feel her in the room saying “Don’t go just yet, Don’t go.stay a little longer…” So we waited with her.
Then the nurse wanted to dress her into her nightgown…so we gave her privacy, leaving her alone. Once she had been dressed we were invited back in. As I walked in I could see, she did indeed look so peaceful. But her voice in my head now said “Its okay Son, now you can leave, go home, don’t worry, you can go now” I no longer felt her in the room. Truly, she was not there at all. I kissed her one more time, told her I loved her and left her giving her the privacy she had requested.
My reason for this posting is not to upset anyone, or trivialise the great pain we have all experienced (and still certainly do), as many of you will no doubt have, that have said Goodbye to a Loved one. But to point out that her passing in many ways was indeed beautiful. It was a passing fitting for her and everything she was. She made all of us, her children and our Dad, the cornerstone of her life. So it was fitting that we were all there to say a fond and loving farewell. Sometimes the whole thing feels like she scripted this final chapter of her life!
In those final 45 minutes, we all poured so much love towards her, the atmosphere in the room was filled with electricity, sadness and so so many thanks for a life so well lived. Heartbreaking as it was, for me it was one of the biggest blessings and privileges, that I have ever had.
God Bless You Dear Mam, we are all just managing to go through the motions of living at the moment, gentle steps..but we feel you with us, guiding us every step, just as you always did…and always will. x